Looking back to the past, I've realised that I have been so obsessed in becoming an adult. There might have been many reasons behind it but right now i can tell you that all the reasons are not important because i can't even remember one. I remember this obsession started a bit after I 'migrated' back to Hong Kong, which was when I was 7 years old. I think I could guess a few reasons why I want to become an adult. Maybe because being an adult doesn't have as much school work and homework that would keep you up till 11 every night (very late for me back then) to finish them. Or maybe being an adult means you just have to disappear for the whole day for something they call 'work' that I'd never seen them doing? I didn't have much fun being a kid. All I had back then was Gameboy games, racing cars pokemon cards etc. These are all material things that i uses to enjoy but i guess i've neglected the fact that it should be the time I spend playing with others that makes it enjoyable.

I also spent so much time figuring out how to imitate an adult. I found out that being an adult means you have to put on a straight face 24/7.  Back then my family was an average Hong Kong family. And that means everyone in the family is going through a depression, during the late 90s. Since then I try to compress my feelings and lock them deep inside myself. I kept telling myself all the group activities there are only for kids, and slowly separate myself from others. I would hold myself back from playing with others, and slowly and gradually adapt a way to resist smiling which successfully stop others from approaching.

In the effort of contemplating (back then) most of the adult wears checked clothes or strips. So I realised that wearing checked clothes is a prerequisite for being an adult or at least you look like one! So i started wearing them. It is apt for any occasion, only have to choose the right colour. I actually never liked checked clothes but I guess being an adult means you have to give up something, and in this case it is my cute pictured cloths. But I telling myself that those type of clothes are not adult-like and somewhat it does do a little bit of brainwash. And now, I still have quite a lot of them in my wardrobe.

Although I've always wanted to be an adult, there are times that I act very childish. In the past, because of the several 'migrations' back and forth Sydney and Hong Kong, I find it hard as a kid to adapt to the two different city in terms of languages. Instead of adapting to the different languages, I have developed this shyness in me and this is what you would get by chucking a kid back and forth across the oceans. Language barrier was one of the main difficulties i find when i came. This timidness prevents me from learning chinese in hong kong  and english in sydney. It always feels like that im the only foreigner in town. An alien.

When I came back to Sydney in year 3, I came back as a stranger. At school, I would stick with my brother wherever he goes until he ditches me. After a while I would have pupil coming up to me to find out why this lonely stranger sits around in school all by himself. My first reaction was to ignore them, since they are the strangers in my eyes (kind of ironic), and my parents said not to trust or talk to any strangers in the streets. Besides I couldn't even communicate with them.

Being shy is not something that is wrong but it is something that stops you from interacting with others. I remember when I was asked to get some food from the food court for lunch, I would throw a tantrum. I felt really uncomfortable talking to a stranger, giving a food order. What if they give me less change? Of course my asian parents would beat me up for paying extra money! There were too much pressure, and it was out of my comfort zone. This is when being asian comes in handy. You would always have siblings to do the work for you! If you are the oldest, then tough luck, cause you have the responsibility to take care of the younger ones.

This clearly shows how ignorance and how I rely on others a bit too much. Being closer and closer to the age of 18, I realise that you don't have to imitate or deliberately force yourselves to act as an adult because when the time comes, you wouldn't even realise that you are already an adult. Everyone is unique in their own way and sometimes forcing oneself into someone that they're not may cost you a lot.